The honeymoon is over. In case any of you wanted to know... I'm writing to you as I lay in bed, claiming the 30 minutes David has so generously given to me for a bit of "mental health". Consider this my "cry for help". I'm too tired to build the fire to send a smoke signal.
Tomorrow marks three weeks since our life took a dramatic turn. Today marks day one of three girls finding me in the "cross hairs" and working together to break me down. If I wasn't a seasoned foster mom, I would be more optimistic that today was just a passing "fluke". I know better.
We're now entering the long, drawn out process of testing. Like a two year old's testing - it will be long. I must remain steadfast, gentle, and consistent. With every blow to my heart, they are asking without words "do you love me... do you love me, if I hurt you? Do you love me even now?"...
I must answer in love. Inside me, things are beginning to wear down - and how could this be - on the day after returning from such a lovely break? I should be rejuvenated. I am not. I am beginning to wear. And those blows... will I never get used to them? Understanding the "why" and the "where they come from" you think it should help, but Ow! here they come, and Oh! I didn't see that one coming, and Ouch! here comes another.
And then He speaks to me. Reminding me of His sacrifice... of all He gave up for me. And I am reminded once more of the real cry of my heart:
I want to know Christ, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings. (Philippians 3:10)
Pray for me, as I hand my heart over each day to be tested by these girls. Pray that I continually look to my Father for strength, and remember to draw only from His well of love - so that it may pour out on these girls in the consistency and selflessness of my Heavenly Father. And that I might be reminded of my place of honor as a Daughter of the King - and find strength in this fellowship of sharing in His sufferings.
Start praying girls... I'm off to teach 3 girls to knit... pray nobody pokes an eye out...
So what you're saying is . . . these girls who are testing you . . . you're giving them sharp implements to hold in their own hands? Um - you need a body guard, too? In addition to the prayer?
ReplyDeleteKIDDING! Well, kind of.
I so appreciate your wisdom, Kell, and your eloquent manner of expressing that wisdom. Your words touch me and encourage me as a mom to my own kids. Keep fighting the good fight, girl.