A Broken Heart...

Grief has overcome me today.


My chest aches, such a heaviness in my heart and through my very being. I feel pinned down by the weight of it all - as if I might burst at the memory of it.


It was a simple task that prompted it, just my own hands following the routine of Saturday morning breakfast, that jolted her to my mind, and instantly I felt my heart rip apart.


It's not always this way, most days those big brown eyes come to my mind's eye and I smile at the days we spent together - 19 months right to the very day... 19 months of love, and sharing my heart; of giving all of myself to a little brown baby I wanted to call my own.


I remember the night they put her in my arms... the very moment my hands touched her.  All chubby and round, and I found fear in her little eyes, scared at the drama she found herself caught up in.  I watched her sleep all night, just wanting her to feel safe in our home, wanting to fill whatever it was in her that might be empty or broken; to awaken the parts of her that had yet to stir.


And all the next day, as I rocked her and sang, I prayed that the Lord would give me a Mother's Heart for this child - so that she could grow up in the arms of sacrificial love; begged Him to teach me how to give my heart away to a child who never knew my heartbeat... all the while knowing that she might one day leave with this very heart of mine.


I keep pulling myself away from the hustle and bustle of this noisy, happy house today - looking for space to grieve my baby.  "She was never really yours" someone said to me awhile back... this may be true in the legal realm - but my heart, my soul, and my arms knew no difference.  


And I know without a doubt that she didn't know either - she had come to rest easily in that place of belonging... this child of my heart that never knew my breast.  The little babe that stood in front of our family's Annual Christmas Talent Show curtain singing: "Ninkle, Ninkle, Little Star" and knew that she belonged - and basked in the safety of family, of Love, of Him.


I ache today, at what she must think.  Where is my Mommy?  Where is my Daddy?  Why can't I be with them?  What did I do wrong?  Am I safe?  


And I pray, oh how I pray.  I cover her in earnest prayer that the Lord would go in my stead, and speak to her little heart.  That He would protect her, fight for her, surround her, save her, nurture her, guide her and call to her all the days of her life.


And then I lay her at His feet once again, trusting Him to care for this child while I cannot.  Trusting that His love for her is greater than anything I could ever give her, or feel for her and that His goodness is unchangeable and eternal.


Still, I grieve.  I wish there was a way to feel this sadness without enduring the physical pain I feel in my chest.  It is unsettling and it is crushing.


As I listen around my home I can hear the feet and shouts and squeals of three more babes that have found their way into my "mother space" and I wince at the grief that is most likely to come one day.  I have done it again - given my heart away, recklessly wrapping it around three babes who needed the covering of sacrificial love, mother love.  I fight the desperation that rises inside me.


The only good I can see today in all of this is the lesson to love hard, to love intentionally and to never wait until tomorrow.  Today is all I am guaranteed with these girls - today is all we have to teach our children what it means to lay our lives down for another... to teach them to Love.


I anxiously await the quiet of my evening, where I can find the privacy needed to share my heart with my husband and faithful partner on this road - the only other one that knows the loss of my heart and shares it's searing pain.  I know already where he will take me - straight to the Author of this Love I find myself giving again... and together we'll find rest, and healing.


And now, I have to find a way to press on.  For there are five children in this home that need a mother with a heart that is alive and flowing freely.  So I will continue to look to Him to help me walk this road with confidence, that when the day comes that I have to say goodbye, He will be there waiting... waiting to heal my broken heart.