Our weekend had been horrible... not as bad as before - but definitely not good. Last week was a constant nightmare, involving running into the road, biting Daddy when he tried to pull her from the danger of traffic, kicking, hitting, scratching, raging... when we tried to take a two day respite break, it took 1.5 hours, 5 workers, 3 car changes (she wouldn't get out of my car), 2 policemen and 1 detective... I was starting to believe that it wasn't going to be worth it to try to take a break again. I felt like someone being held hostage by her fearful rages in my own home.
I found myself driving last week as the tears ran down my face "Father... I want to go home! But I can't find it..." I'd never known this kind of upset. I've never lived anywhere that wasn't a peaceful, joyful, loving place. I began to fear that I'd never 'be able to go home' again. Doubt crept in... what if she never heals?
We made BIG decisions. We opted out of attending the family camp that we had believed was going to be her "saving grace"... suddenly being keenly aware that this was NOT what God had laid out for her path of healing. Both of the books that we had thought would be our "manuals to learn how to parent her" could not be found. We were staring down the barrel of THREE behaviors we had decided would never be allowed in our home. What were we to do?
And then I heard Him speak to me: "I will show you".
And He gave me this verse:
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. Psalm 32:8
It was enough for me... this reassurance from God Himself. Still, I would dip into doubt through each moment of raging, of darkness all around me - once texting a friend "I don't know how to hear Him!"... and so she was His very voice in the middle of the darkness "Yes you do. Be quiet. Bet patient. Remember what He's already done. Be expectant for Him to come through again. Trust Him! She doesn't understand what your love is..."
And then my enemy turned up the heat. Presenting us with an unsolvable problem. "She can't sleep in the girls' room anymore - now what are you going to do? You... with a three bedroom house... you're renting you know - you can't make walls in the basement, this house isn't yours! So now what? When are you going to tell her that she can't stay? They won't allow foster children to sleep on the couch - go ahead now and let her go... It's the right thing to do. Boundaries. This is just about keeping the other kids safe, and there is no other way. Go on now... let her go..."
And so back again I went: "Father? What do we do?" We told her she could STAY! We told her we would teach her what it would look like to never have to let GO! We PROMISED! (Oh, WHY did we promise???) But the real matter is - we DID. How then, could we make good on this promise if she had no place to sleep? And suddenly I knew... we could give her our room.
So after church, at lunch... we told her our solution. And you would have loved to see her face. Oh, my! I do believe she might understand our love for her now! "You see honey, we all know that you can't sleep upstairs - it's just too hard for you to be peaceful up there, and when you have big feelings the other girls can't sleep. You can't sleep on the couch, because every girl needs her own space... so you see we're out of options... except one. The only way you can stay is if we give you our room. And so after we finish lunch, we'll begin moving our bed to the basement and tonight you will get tucked into your own room!"
And since then we have had ZERO rages. ZERO accidents at night time, and both nights have been peaceful happenings!
God will make a way,
when there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see.
He will make a way for me.
He will be my guide,
Hold me closely to His side~
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.
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