Our little girl came home to stay on Sunday - just five short days ago. And it's been perfect every moment - just what I'd hoped for! She loves being here, and we fill her every need just by being our nurturing, loving, predictable selves. She is appreciative and grateful, and fully at peace.
Oops. That's not quite right up there. Let's try again...
Our little girl came home to stay on Sunday - five of the longest days of my life ago. And it's turned my home upside down almost every moment - nothing like I'd hoped for, or expected. She thinks she hates us (sometimes), loves us the next, but mostly we completely freak her little self out with our nurturing, loving, predictable lives. She is unsettled, abrasive, impulsive, unpredictable and defiant.
We are drowning in our daily lives. Every day is about getting through to bedtime, and sometimes that's when it all really starts to heat up. All our attempts to help her find calm are either fleeting or failures. There are no Hallmark moments anymore.
Every day I make a withdrawal on "what I can do" and then borrow some more. I'm so "in debt" to myself in terms of energy stores it's crazy. My enemy tried to counsel me this morning: "What you're doing is too much - no one can live like this forever - what if she doesn't EVER get better? - you could end up having to KEEP her, ya' know - your life is never going to be the same - it's UNWISE to give this much to one child - it's unsustainable... and on and on and on........"
Craving "an escape" on my way to school this morning, late, flat haired, frumpily dressed, makeupless, discouraged, feeling anger rise up within myself as I recounted the struggle I went through just to get her dressed, I flipped the radio to 93.9 - maybe I could find comfort in Chuck Swindoll... good ol' Chuck...
He was talking about giving - financially - but God applied his words to my heart in a way that seared my soul. What about giving in an "extravagant" way? What would that be like? Really, what would giving in an extravagant way look like in your life? Giving more than you really should... more than you really have to give...
And it hit me right then. That's what I'm doing right now. giving this extravagant gift to God each day. More than I have... that's what I'm bringing. Step back world... hang on enemy... my Father LOVES this life - He delights in it as a gift to Himself. I can't out give God!?! What was I thinking?
I hope it brings Him joy - I hope that my gift is pleasing... I hope He sees my heart coming to Him and lights up at the sight of me... for He's given me a life of extravagance, and I am planning on spending it all on Him!
No comments:
Post a Comment