Strength For the Journey

We run out of things all the time on this journey:  Time - Money - Wisdom - Resources - Knowledge - Strength - Energy - Energy - Energy...

I believe with all my heart that God has given these little babes to US to care for, for as long as they need us - and it is only our job to complete.  If I believe that He has sent us out on this journey, then I can know that He will supply everything we need to complete it.  Certainly He shall supply our every need to carry out HIS will.  I have peace there in that thought.

And so why do I marvel when He comes to breathe new life into the two of us?  Why am I amazed at His faithful hand, His timely arrival, His every good thing we need to complete this journey?  Sometimes we remember to ask Him, and sometimes He surprises us with just what we need when we are still unaware of our own deficiency.

I didn't even know how depleted I was yesterday.  Had no clue, really.  Until I stumbled across a friend's doorstep, to return an item, was whisked inside - talking of quilts and granola and kids and sprouted wheat and nothing and everything and when I left... I realized "I am new!".   He knew I was lonely - met me in that place with a silly, witty, funny, caring, loving friend to give me a bit of respite for a tired out Tuesday.

We have been waiting for reimbursement for a few very large items - totaling over $2,000... quietly waiting and knowing God would sustain us until it came - knowing we were right up against a deadline... and here it came today... with a phone call that it is now "on it's way".  Why did I marvel at His timing?  Why didn't I rest knowing He had it all taken care of?  Isn't He wonderful?  Can't you see?

I asked the Lord for a safe, Christian, Loving, Predictable, Perfect (is that too much to ask for) home for our girls - a licensed foster home so that David and I would be assured of "rest for the weary" in the coming months with the girls (as it is now they can only go to a non-licensed home for 24 hours) and our very dear friends (safe, Christian, loving, predictable, PERFECT) called today to let us know they were going to become licensed for us. . . they are going to walk with us on this journey... with the girls.  This is so very beautiful to me.  That would lay their lives down for us in this way... beautiful indeed.

Every so often the day crashes down, and I am immersed in quieting heaving chests of sobbing, holding grieving heads, soothing angry hearts and nothing else is accomplished.  And I'm learning not to fear even this - for it doesn't escape His sight - and He sends Help... and that's the day the phone rings and a message is left (I never get to answer the phone anymore) that dinner is coming.

Lord, I said, I'm going to need some direction here - for unraveling all this brokenness that is manifesting itself so differently in all these little babes.  And He brings me another Mommy from our homeschool co-op to "happen" to sit by me and give me the EXACT piece of information I needed.  She's walked this road before me.  I allow myself to look into the healing faces of her children and KNOW I have found what I need - this is from Him.

This weekend promises to be one of renewal for us.  It is coming (do I even need to say it) at "just the right time".  My co-laborer and best friend and I are going to hold hands, and speak uninterrupted words to each other, and look longingly into each other's eyes.  And we're going to hang on tight to each other and remember that it's His journey and we don't have to be afraid - because He will supply all we need on this journey, His journey.

I will be, I will be,

I will be strength for the journey.

I will be, I will be,

I will be strength for the journey.

1. There is a road meant for you to travel.

Narrow and steep is the shepherd’s way,

and as you say, "Yes,"

letting me guide you,

I will be strength for the journey.

2. There is a cross meant for you to carry.

There is a cross meant for you alone,

and as you bow down

in humble surrender,

I will be strength for the journey.

3. How many times have you doubted my word?

How many times must I call your name?

And as you say, "Yes,"

letting me love you,

I will be strength for the journey.

by Michael Poirier

The Nursery...

I know I've been MIA.  I should have let you all know where I was "going"...

A few weeks ago, I decided to re-do the girls' bedroom.  I had never planned on it being home to FOUR little girls, so we were just using bedding "here and there" to keep everyone warm at night - nothing matching, or even coordinating.  For some of you - this will bear no consequence... others will understand when I tell you it grated on my spirit every time I went to say goodnight.  And even though the room was now home to only three girls - we could NOT have an unmatched bunk up there on the right.  That would never do!

So I set out to find matching bedding I loved that I could also afford for four twin beds; after all was said and done I tallied it would be at least $400 - and that was for Target and Walmart!  I quickly decided to bring the dream into a reality would require some serious DIY.  Especially since I have never sewed bedding before... but necessity IS the mother of all invention... is it not?

Shortly after beginning my bedding, I felt my heart beginning to hear that Quiet Voice directing me back to considering once again parenting our dear one that had just left us weeks prior.  My heart wasn't ready to "dive in" so to speak - not in the least - but I felt the call none the less, and knew that I had to say "yes" if ever they were to ask.

It wasn't that I hadn't over and over wanted to go and get her - hold her in my arms and commit to walking through the healing process once again... it wasn't that I was afraid of hard work, or days of raging... no I'd done that all before; I know the value of that journey...

It was that I did not know how to help her.

And now, looking back, I can see how He prepared me.  Other foster and adoptive friends supplying me with books, videos, before I even needed them.  Offering support and teaching me just what I would need to know...

And after I said "yes" to that Quiet Voice, a strange thing began to grow in my heart.  A love for this child like I'd never known.  A certain knowing that she is to be mine, that this IS my task, and no one else's.  That to turn my back on this child would mean missing out on one of God's greatest gifts in my life.

It was after this longing had grown in my heart that the phone rang on a rainy Wednesday afternoon.  "We know it's very soon to be asking you this... but she doesn't ever ask for her Mom or her Dad - it's just you... all she wants is you... would you consider having her back?"

Do you even need to ask how we responded?  My sweet husband and I already knew we could say "yes", trusting that He would supply us with all we will need.

Then I began to sew with such fervor!  This intensity in me, surprising me with how intent I was to complete this bedding... to see this room come together... "Lord?  What is this about" I asked.  And I heard Him answer me, "You dear, are making a nursery".

Yes! That's it!   The last time I felt this intense connection to any decorating project came as I carried each of my children in my womb... prepared for their arrival with such care and devotion and careful attention to detail.

I don't know how long she'll be here... I don't.  Most likely it won't be long at all, there is a Daddy waiting in the wings - a good Daddy waiting to take her home.  But until such time as she goes home to him, or home to her mother once she's healed... she will be mine.  She is to be mine.

And Courage has come.  To dive right in there, to get right in that mess of brokenness once more and help this daughter of my heart find her way out to the Light.

So I've been MIA.  My Man built this dear darlin' a brand new bed, one that will match our daughter's ~ hopefully to show her that we love her "this much"... and I'm STILL sewing up a storm, in the hopes of completing this "nursery" of sorts in time to welcome her when she "comes home".  For if we are to help her heal... we're going to have to start at the very beginning... and what better place to begin than in a beautiful nursery, prepared by an expectant mother?

My baby is coming home...

Little Things...

I am so grateful today, for little things...

For a son who received 20 sheets of scrapbooking paper (the guy kind) for his paper airplane obsession with such a joyful heart, you'd think it was Christmas.

For the same son who, after he told me the most beautiful thing (which I will hold in my heart forever) I told him "you should write... that was beautiful!" and he said "Aw, Mom!  My "N's" still are horrible!  I try and try Mom, and I just keep getting weird looking 'H's".  I taught him that writing wasn't about a pencil - but rather his imagination... and I saw the look in his eyes, and I believe a spark has been lit and I can see him dreaming up words over there.

For a quiet home.  Four children working away at little tasks, peacefully working away and speaking kindly to each other.

For instrumental music.

For being escorted in the rain by my little boy while my husband parked the van - arm in arm...

For little people using new words and phrases: Extraordinary, Obedient, Appropriate, Amazing, I Don't Care For Any, Gentle, Grievous (!)...

For a sewing machine, and washed fabric, and TIME, and energy to do it!  The kitchen curtains begin today!

For a Father who continues to restore me every single time I run to Him... why would I ever stop running?... and He never makes me wait - He has always come running when I called...

For my husband who is the most amazing, full of character, hard working, strong, steady, never-complaining, gentle, kind, honorable, good-lookin' man I know...

For "I wish I could grow up here forever"....

For Spring Break, a break from it all... a break for all of us... a deep breath...

For minutes of sun breaking through the clouds and piercing through our windows...

For two little baby girls safe now... I can see it... hearts are beginning to rest and heal and turn, slowly turn into something beautiful and soft and tender, and minds are waking up and are starting to dream and play and mimic and pretend and create and delight in life...

I am thankful today - for little things... all these little things... I love this life Lord - thank you for waiting to give me this gift until I learned to rest in you and the days you give me... May I just dance for you a bit now?  My heart is full to bursting!

Under the Mess

A cry for help left my home yesterday.  I sent it under a cloak of privacy, quietly "messaged" to three of my homeschooling friends.  I should have posted it here - for it's an integral part of this journey I find myself in.  My proud heart didn't want anyone else to see me in the pit I felt I was in. 


Why do we hide when we find ourselves in a mess?  Is that real life?  That we might NEVER have our own mess?  If it isn't shared, then we are left with a beautiful facade, of hearth and home and reaching out and serving others; of experiencing success... always, only reporting success?  Would this then really be... "The Life We're Living"?  

But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”

  He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

Seems I'm not the first to try and hide away from being exposed.  

I believe that this life we're living isn't just about us.  And it's not just about these baby faces we've been called to serve today.  I believe He wants to use our lives to point back to Himself.  I believe He wanted to use yesterday to point me to what was hiding under my very big mess.


I sat in my mess... and reached out to three...

I just wanted to ask you to pray for me. I am feeling so discouraged with the quality of homeschooling going on in our home since the girls came. And so filled with a selfish desire to have my OWN family... no more loss... or brokenness, or social workers...  I feel like the laundry and the meals and the visits and the chaos and the training children who've never been trained and their mother messes and the loss and the brokenness have somehow come and taken all my energy and time and drive and order... mostly my order.

I'm so discouraged. It's hitting me today what I've given up to follow the Lord down this path. I wanted my OWN family. I said "I want to see Jesus" and I thought we were going to adopt... I found my adoption papers that had gone missing, by the way. . . in my homeschool closet. 

Today it feels so discouraging to engage in all this change and disruption and for what? I know He is good... I'm just wanting my OWN.  This is NOT where I want my heart to stay. I need courage to follow after Him. I need Him to grow my commitment to HIM so I don't look at the Life I wanted to build, but the one He wants to build through us.

Other people are studying things... and they are making nature journals... and they are finishing what they start.... and they are lapbooking... and they are habitually sitting down to school and I am living in the car... and I still have UN-blown-apart volcanoes in the basement...

Other people are logging hours and what am I doing? Girls, what am I doing? I am training children who are most likely going to go home and unlearn all we've taught them. All the beds aren't a blessing to me today. They are a lot of washing and now the girls' room doesn't match...

What kind of heart cares more for a matching bedroom? This heart is filled with selfish desires.  What in the world am I supposed to be doing anyway? The solar system and sound and light and explorers and Italy and 5 point paragraphs and spelling and how do I know what's important?

This day is a mess and the cinnamon rolls aren't going to work, I can tell by looking at them... 

So there. My mess. In your laps. Help. I'm over here - under this mess...

Me.

Then I called to Him:

"God, what am I doing?  

What's important?  

What's it all for?"

And He answered me.

His voice speaking to me through friends, 

and quotes, and finally 

from His Word, His Living Word:

"And that's your homeschool right now. This is what your children are learning from you. They are learning to extend themselves to others and to put the needs of others before their own needs. This is one of the most difficult of all life lessons to learn -- if we ever learn it at all. And your children have front row seats. The math may fall behind. That volcano may never erupt. But your children will know how to minister to the hurts of others, just like their mama and their Savior."

"After the quake in Japan, I found myself questioning education. 

When Christ returns, what matters anyway?" 

"Remember the Word of God equips us for every good work - the periodic table won't help a bit.  ...But if your goal is to raise from godly children, godly adults, then you are the one for the job.  ...If we are going to worry about our children's ability to learn things we don't know, let's worry about things worth knowing.  God gives us the children he gives us, and gives us the lives he gives us, for his purposes.  He prepares us today for our calling tomorrow, day by day.  He does this perfectly because He is sovereign. ...The point isn't so much, "Bear up under suffering," as it is "Be obedient."  When we trust God in obedience, he gives the grace we so desperately need. ....We need to remember we are not only teachers, but also students."  ~R.C. Sproul Jr., When You Rise Up

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.  All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 14-17)

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the LORD is one!  You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might.  And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on your door posts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)

...and there it is.  He is sovereign.  He is in charge of all that comes my way.   This is our mission.  This is our call.  This is our today.  

And so:

What I am doing: Being obedient.  Serving Him first.  Trusting Him for the outcome of my children.  Training my children to love Him with all their hearts, and minds, and souls... as we "teach them diligently, talking about them when we sit in our house, when we walk by the way, when we lie down, and when we rise up".

What's Important: Only ONE thing.  "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.'  The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  There is no commandment greater than these."

What it's all for: The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. (Galations 5:6)

And so I've decided that it doesn't matter whether our school schedule is a picture of routine and perfectly executed.  What matters is that I routinely look to Him and trust Him for each day for whatever comes, whatever consumes our days.  Receiving it all from His Hand.

What matters is that people continue to be first in our home.  And I trust that the days will come soon where we will fall back into a rhythm of reading and writing and multiplying and diagramming sentences.  My children won't grow up uneducated - quite the opposite - they will be knowledgeable in what is most important; and will love Him with all their heart, and soul, and strength.  

And to think... 

all this was hiding for me to find under what I 

had thought was a very big mess...