Letting Go of the Dream

One Name, One Home, One Forever 

 

Five months ago, in an effort to try to survive the coming loss of that sweet brown-eyed baby girl... I decided to close up my heart.  I knew she was most likely going to go home, and because I had had to let go of her once before, I knew how much it was going to hurt.... and I just didn't want to have to feel that again.  I would brace myself and prepare for the worst.

 

It's a funny thing when I look back on it.  I had no idea that as I closed off my heart to the coming pain, shut it down really, that I was cutting myself off from the Author of my heart flowing through me.  Oh, it would beat on, but each pump would echo inside me of the fraud that I had committed.  For how can anyone truly be alive
without operating out of the heart?  I learned to cope by continuing to "do" life. 

And although my hands were serving,
and my words were soothing, my heart was not invested. 
I had that heart all tucked away safe,
and I was not going to invest it in any more brokenness. 
 

I told myself to just hang on, soon the pain would be over and it would be better.  The weeks pushed into months and time kept on ticking and each day grew harder than the one before until I was almost suffocating inside my closed off heart.  I found myself unable to be me in this life anymore, unable to move and flow and feel... and I heard the news that these two little ones will also soon be leaving, and I dug in, waiting for the collapse.

 

And that's where He found me.  All holed up, sheltered by my heavily armored heart; and He began to breathe His healing breath all over me.  And all over this life I wanted, this dream I've wanted for so long that was dying... one child at a time.  Because I had a dream, you know. 
Ever since I was a girl, 
I've had a dream of what it was supposed to look like:

 

Busy days of nurturing and loving and serving and blessing
those that have never known His Love.

Sixteen feet under the dinner table.

Little eyes, learning of Love.

Little hearts, beginning to Trust.

Little hands, starting to Serve.

Busy days and busy lives and all to serve Him, all for Him.

And we would all be together, forever;

through the beauty of adoption...

One Name. One Home.  One Forever.

 

And now... now... what?  What am I doing now?  What do you do when the dream dies right in front of you, right in your own home... dies?  I am in the process of losing every single child that came to stay for so many days.  We were eight and soon we'll be four.  And there are little spirits missing in this house.  There are laughs we'll never hear again, and there is living where once there was only a shell of a child, and I wanted to watch it grow. 
I wanted to watch them grow.... forever.

 

And this is where He found me, when He came to breathe on me again. 

 

I sat there and bowed low before Him.

I got rid of the garbage in my life, and I crushed the idols I had constructed in His place.  I set them down at His feet.  Pastor said that morning that an idol was anything that you would habitually say yes to in your life, instead of God.  That when you had the choice to follow that thing, or God, you would always choose that thing.

And I knew.  I had done that with the desire to be an adoptive family.
I sat in the middle of the worship and let Him cleanse me... let Him whisper to me and I wrote down what He said.  Words so precious to me, that I will forever remember. 
Of how He loves me... and how He longed for my heart to return to him. 

 

"I want you to come rest in me.

I love you and hurt with you.

I know the loss of seperation...

...I miss you like you miss her.

Come to me for comfort.

I won't let you down.

Come to me and learn about my rest I have for you.

This is your time of rest.

I made it for you.

Come to me and learn to rest."

(What about my baby, Lord?)

"It's not time yet.

I see her.

I'm with her.

I won't leave her side.

I hurt with you.

I hurt with her.

I'll fix it.

I'm coming.

I am greater than he that is in the world.

Don't be afraid.  I promise you she is not alone,

and she knows I'm with her."

 

 

I was overcome.  He was missing me?... like I was missing my sweet baby girl? 
Like that, Lord?  You miss me like that? 
You ache, and you long, and you just want to hold me again, you want to look in my eyes and see them dance? 
You want to feel the weight of me against you again? 
You want to do 'forever' with me?

 

And I was overcome once more at the love He has for me.  Love always wins.

 

My heart returned home that day.  And although He had not spoken yet about what was to come for us, I knew He would soon.  And I knew that now, I would say "yes"... whatever He has for us, I'll say "yes".  So I've been keeping my ear to the ground, I've been listening.  And this last Sunday, He showed us....  and it's the most beautiful gift, this Life He has waiting for us on the other side of rest.

 

It's everything I wanted and nothing like I'd dreamed,
and it's got His fingerprints all over it. 
I can feel my heart beating again, and I can breathe again, and I can feel Him flowing out of me again.  The Goodness of this story would all be wasted if you hadn't known where He had brought me from...
  

 

...And the life He has waiting? 
It's the same, but better.  I said I wanted "forever", remember? 
One Name, One Home, One Forever... through the beauty of adoption.
  And it's this passion to heal these children that fuels me, fuels us both. 
We have a sort of knack for it.  That's His gift to us, He blessed our marriage with this gift to heal these babies, and we just have to use it!

And that dream He gave me? 
The one I've had since I was a little girl? 
It's still the same. 
Only it's not my name they'll be given, it's His.
And it's not my home they'll join, it's His. 
And it's not my forever to give, it's His.
Oh, and the adoption? 
 That's the best part!  Look what He showed us...
They're coming to learn of Him,
and they're coming to hear of His saving power,
 and they're coming to my house to be adopted by the King!

I wanted 16 feet under the table, but look how silly I was! 
Think for a moment if we continue to give our home and our family over to Him to use. 
They'll keep coming and they'll keep being filled,
and how can you live here and not come to know Him,
when He's pouring out of each of the four of us? 

He went to prepare a place for us,
and my place is going to have a very big table. 
It's going to be amazing "when we all get together".  
Silly me, this is not my home!  But I know where I'm headed, and my Father is busy gathering up my children, one broken, needy child at a time. 
And they will come to stay for awhile, and some might stay and be raised here,
whoever He picks, can stay...
 but I will always, we will always, have a place for His love
 to shine through us to heal the little baby broken hearts.

I laid my dream down:
One Name.
 One Home.
 One Forever.
Through the beauty of adoption.

I laid it down at His feet.  Finally laid it down for good.
...And He gave it right back to me, ten fold.

It's going to be amazing, and hard, and beautiful, and sweet, and I'm going to feel alive again, because He's flowing through me again,
 and there is nothing like "let your will be done"
 to set a heart on fire.

One Name.
One Home.
One Forever.
Through the beauty of Adoption.

Here I am, Lord.
Send me.

I just figured it out...

She’s gone, and I just figured it out.

 And I can feel the ache, deep in my soul, I’m bleeding.  Can’t anyone see I’m bleeding?  Disorganized thoughts and interrupted pain fill my days.  I long to sit quietly with her memory, and breathe her in deeply.  I want to drink her in. 

“Tell Mommy and Daddy I miss them, and that I love them… and that I pray for them every day.” That’s what she told the caseworker that checked in on them.  Oh, my sweet baby.  Don’t you know that there aren’t any days you wake that I haven’t already ached for you?  Do you know, are you certain that I miss you too?  Do you know that I pray?  Do you know?

I want to hold you in my arms.  They ache for you.  Do you know that you are mine?  My heart knows no difference between my own children and you.  You are mine.  I knew I would have to let you go, I knew it, but I refused to take it in.  Surely He would come. Surely we would not have to let go of one another.

Did I say goodbye to you like I should have?  Did I say it in a way that let you know that you are everything I wanted?  Do you know that I haven't forgotten?  Do you know that I’m bleeding on the inside?  I’m bleeding.  Did I make the most of every moment?  I’m sorry that I didn’t come rock you that one night when you couldn’t get to sleep.  I’m sorry now that I didn’t do it.  I hope you remember all the other nights I did come.  I hope you remember your song.

Remember at the end, it goes “do you love me too?”  And  remember how you would squeal “I do!” right then?  That was my favorite part.

Do you know that if you ever need me, if you ever need us… we’re gonna be right here?  I’m waiting for you to come home… we’re waiting for you.  Do you know that your Daddy cries?  He said he goes through his day and says to himself “something just isn’t right.”  And then he remembers, you’re gone, and it hurts.  We are hoping that you will come home.  Someday you will.  I know it.  Someday we’ll be together again as family, forever.  I’m going to stand before Him with your hand in mine and we’re gonna’ worship Him together!  And it will never have to end.  Someday we’re gonna go Home together.

“I know you’re gonna cry when I’m gone, Momma.”  Sweet darlin’, I’m not going to be able to breathe.  Some nights I just lay there feeling my heart break and I feel the tears flow and I feel the hotness in my chest, I’m bleeding in there… I’m not always crying, but I’m always trying hard to just keep breathing.

Are you OK?  Is there tenderness in your life?  Do you feel treasured?  Safe?  Do you know that I still love God, even though it doesn’t look like you and I are going to get to have it like we wanted it?  “Dear Lord, please let me stay in this house”.  I can still hear you praying it.  He didn’t choose that for us, and I don’t know why.  It’s OK.  He’s good and we can trust Him.  I promise.  Just hang on to Him, OK?  Please don’t let go.  He’s gonna show His glory in your life story.  It’s gonna make you shiny!

I told God today that I’m hoping you come home to us soon.  I’m hanging on to that right now, that you’ll be ours one day.  If I don’t believe it right now, I won’t be able to get up again.  Because honey, it’s not like you are in Heaven, safe in Jesus’ arms, where I would grieve and then slowly come to accept that you are being raised by my Savior, my Daddy… that you could look into the eyes of the Creator and know that kind of safety.  You have never known true safety.  I wanted SO much for you to know it. Even with us, we could never give you safety, true safety, they wouldn’t let us close your world down and let you heal.  I wish that one day you’ll truly know “it is finished”.  One day, I pray for you to know security.  The only place you'll truly know it is in Him.  Keep running back to Him baby.

And it’s not like you are missing, heaven forbid… but you’re not missing.  I know right where you are and every day I have to keep myself from going right over there and snatching you up in my arms and feeling the weight of you against me.

I wrote once that you are the daughter of my heart that never knew my breast.  And although I didn’t get to birth you and nuzzle you as a babe, somehow you grew in my heart before I ever met you and when I first put my eyes on you, the day the angel brought you, I knew you were mine.

I don’t understand why you aren’t here with us.  I never believed you would go back home.  Remember how many times we sang “God will make a way, where there seems to be no way”?  When I hear it, I can see you looking into my eyes, studying to see if I believed it too.  Now I sing it, and I focus on asking God to show me how to make a way to live without you.  There seems to be no way to live without you.

You are my beloved.  I know you inside and out.  I know your will, and your broken places, and your fears and your history and your anger and your fire and I would choose you all over again.  Because I’ve seen the twinkle, and I know the laugh, and I believe in His healing for your life and I know the joy I had being your Momma bear.

Pig knots. 

Monkeys and Gorillas—SNOW WHITE! 

Good job telling the truth!

Wagon rides.

Meat……of any kind.

Ninkle, Ninkle, Little Star.

A-may-naise!

Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego.  Over and over and over.

Are You My Mother?

Jesus Loves Me.

Pizza!  OK, Pizza… OKAY!!!

The way you loved your Poppy… and how you ran to him the first time he came to see you after you came home to us.

I knew What I Was Getting Into When I Called You.

God Will Make a Way.

Determination.  (You own that, girl!)

Standing on a chair and cooking beside me.

Kraute Brioche

Painting

“Pray Lord….”

Taking a million hours at the pumpkin patch to find the “princess pumpkin”.

 Pretty dresses.

Rocky time.

Winning the Awana Grand Prix.

Water.  All things water.  Like a fish.

Swimming in the lake with your eyes open.

WATCH ME DO THIS!!!

I want to be a hunter.  And kill the meat in the woods.

I love you, Mommy.

Your squishy body all covered in bubbles in the tub.

“We can save the little girl…”

Dear Lord, please let me stay in this house.

Sweet Daddy.

 

Carving Pumpkins.

Decorating Christmas Cookies.

Your pink Bible.

That snowy day when you got all bundled up and looked like a snowman.

Sledding.  Boating.  Hiking. Walking 5.2 miles.  Tubing.  You are my wild thing.

And oh, the mischief!  I’d do it all again.

I’d do it all again.  I’d do it all again.  Why can’t I do it again?  Are you ever going to come home?  I’m bleeding.  You’re gone.