My heart has been so plagued lately as to "why" I was not able to write about the adoption of our son.
Next Monday will be six months. Six months?!?
Wouldn't a "good" mother want to write about that?
Why couldn't I write?
Next Monday will be six months. Six months?!?
Wouldn't a "good" mother want to write about that?
Why couldn't I write?
What was wrong with me?
I've got it now.
I can tell you now...
now that we're a bit further along.
31 years ago, I dreamed of adopting.
18 years ago (this Saturday), I met the man my heart had longed for,
18 years ago (this Saturday), I met the man my heart had longed for,
who had a heart for adoption like mine.
We knew that someday we would adopt.
13 Years ago, we applied for adoption of a six year old boy.
(Then we found out we were pregnant!)
We knew that someday we would adopt.
13 Years ago, we applied for adoption of a six year old boy.
(Then we found out we were pregnant!)
Plans went on hold, then came another baby...
More time went by...
More time went by...
Then, two years ago, we had an appointment scheduled to meet with our adoption worker on a February day - to adopt a "six year old boy".
The night before our appointment, we received a call and
opened our home to our little darlins;
postponing our adoption for "a few days" (we were so naïve!)
while the girls were with us.
postponing our adoption for "a few days" (we were so naïve!)
while the girls were with us.
More time went by...
Then, last September, the call came.
On October 1st, we met our son.
Our "six year old boy" that we'd been dreaming of, and praying for,
for so. very. long.
And so where are the postings on this "dream come true"?
Why is the journey missing?
And so where are the postings on this "dream come true"?
Why is the journey missing?
Because, to be honest with you...
it wasn't exactly what I had expected,
this "new beginning".
It was messy.
It was hard.
It was scary.
A lot of things got broken.
it wasn't exactly what I had expected,
this "new beginning".
It was messy.
It was hard.
It was scary.
A lot of things got broken.
There were days with NO sleep.
Doubts crept in...
Now that I can look back, I finally figured out what it's like.
It's like the first few months of your pregnancy when you're exhausted, sick to your stomach, deeply fatigued, and (if you are being very honest), while you are delighted, you are also kind of fearful of the change that's coming.
Doubts crept in...
Now that I can look back, I finally figured out what it's like.
It's like the first few months of your pregnancy when you're exhausted, sick to your stomach, deeply fatigued, and (if you are being very honest), while you are delighted, you are also kind of fearful of the change that's coming.
"Will this change our family very much?"
"Will we still 'feel' the same?"
"Will it be a good thing for our other children?"
"Will there ever be a time when I am 'not' exhausted... ever... again?"
No one tells you these things, though.
No one tells you that you will wonder if you made a mistake, you will be afraid, you will be more tired than you have ever been in your life, you will gaze at your husband and wonder when the last time you spoke to him was, you will arrive places with half of your makeup on, wondering if you brushed your teeth this morning. No one tells you your body will be processing so much extra cortisol that you will find yourself unable to process a complete thought, or make out a logical grocery list, and you will wonder if you are ruining your other children's lives.
No one tells you that people will come and pin all kinds of verbal awards to your shirt of how "wonderful you are for adopting", and inside you will just feel like a fraud, as you wonder how the beauty of this is evident to everyone except you. No one tells you that relationships take time to build, and it is okay that this child who is yours smells 'foreign', that you will hear his feet hit the floor in the morning and your stomach will tighten as you wonder at what battles lay before you today as you continue to prove yourself faithful and loving and he, in fear, invents more ways to show you that he cannot trust your love is real.
So I'm telling you. Today, I'm letting you know. God has a plan to put the fatherless in families, and He has a plan for His church to rise up and gather up all the orphans, and there are so many more children... and it's OK that it's hard at first. It's alright. It gets better... so much better...
No one tells you that you will wonder if you made a mistake, you will be afraid, you will be more tired than you have ever been in your life, you will gaze at your husband and wonder when the last time you spoke to him was, you will arrive places with half of your makeup on, wondering if you brushed your teeth this morning. No one tells you your body will be processing so much extra cortisol that you will find yourself unable to process a complete thought, or make out a logical grocery list, and you will wonder if you are ruining your other children's lives.
No one tells you that people will come and pin all kinds of verbal awards to your shirt of how "wonderful you are for adopting", and inside you will just feel like a fraud, as you wonder how the beauty of this is evident to everyone except you. No one tells you that relationships take time to build, and it is okay that this child who is yours smells 'foreign', that you will hear his feet hit the floor in the morning and your stomach will tighten as you wonder at what battles lay before you today as you continue to prove yourself faithful and loving and he, in fear, invents more ways to show you that he cannot trust your love is real.
So I'm telling you. Today, I'm letting you know. God has a plan to put the fatherless in families, and He has a plan for His church to rise up and gather up all the orphans, and there are so many more children... and it's OK that it's hard at first. It's alright. It gets better... so much better...
God has begun to soothe our worries with Hope, and he has answered our questions. Here is what I know now, "No, it will never be the same again - and thank goodness! - because it will be better, and fuller, and richer!". When we take part in God's work, of creating LIFE, or in our case... bringing our son back to LIFE, we get to touch the Sacred Space.
We get to serve, and live, and breathe in the Sacred Space.
The healing is coming, and we are so amazed that God's work for our jitterbug is flowing through us! We get to be a part of Heaven's work. He is accomplishing His plan for our son through two people who fell in love and dreamed that one day they'd bring home a six year old boy.
He is beginning to equip us with tools that are bringing about change and renewal. He has led us to those who've walked the road before us, and have successfully brought their children's hearts back to life.
A little heart is starting to sprout where before only fear had resided. We've heard his first *sigh!*, we've heard his first belly laugh, we've seen the first genuine smile, we were there when he finally learned to sleep through the night, we taught him to rock in the rocking chair. We took him on his first hike in the woods.
The healing is coming, and we are so amazed that God's work for our jitterbug is flowing through us! We get to be a part of Heaven's work. He is accomplishing His plan for our son through two people who fell in love and dreamed that one day they'd bring home a six year old boy.
He is beginning to equip us with tools that are bringing about change and renewal. He has led us to those who've walked the road before us, and have successfully brought their children's hearts back to life.
A little heart is starting to sprout where before only fear had resided. We've heard his first *sigh!*, we've heard his first belly laugh, we've seen the first genuine smile, we were there when he finally learned to sleep through the night, we taught him to rock in the rocking chair. We took him on his first hike in the woods.
The fear that caused so much nervous energy is beginning to recede, it's melting away... and we stand in awe that God would work through us to complete his plan for our son's life. It's not as hard as it was in the beginning, and I am captured everyday at the resilience of this child who has endured more brokenness in his six years, than I have known in an entire lifetime.
No more will you wonder, my child.
You are Home.
You Belong.
No more will you wonder, my child.
You are Home.
You Belong.
"Kings & Queens"
Little hands, shoeless feet, lonely eyes looking back at me
Will we leave behind the innocent too brief
On their own, on the run when their lives have only begun
These could be our daughters and our sons
And just like a drum I can hear their hearts beating
I know my God won’t let them be defeated
Every child has a dream to belong and be loved
[Chorus:]
Boys become kings, girls will be queens
Wrapped in Your majesty
When we love, when we love the least of these
Then they will be brave and free
Shout your name in victory
When we love when we love the least of these
When we love the least of these
Will we leave behind the innocent too brief
On their own, on the run when their lives have only begun
These could be our daughters and our sons
And just like a drum I can hear their hearts beating
I know my God won’t let them be defeated
Every child has a dream to belong and be loved
[Chorus:]
Boys become kings, girls will be queens
Wrapped in Your majesty
When we love, when we love the least of these
Then they will be brave and free
Shout your name in victory
When we love when we love the least of these
When we love the least of these
