Faced with the question, I was unprepared to answer. "How can this life bring God Glory? How can everything seemingly in turmoil, a mess of hurt exploding from four broken babes, exploding all over your once peaceful, joyful, predictable, sweet home... how can it bring Him Glory? And if it doesn't bring Him Glory, then are you sure you know what you're doing?"
I didn't know. I just knew, at that time, when the question was posed that God told me to keep going. He won't let me quit. I didn't know the answer to the question, but I did know that I had pledged my devotion, and I had meant it. I meant it with my whole soul the day I said "I want to see Jesus! I want to live for Him, and die for Him, and lay it all down for Him!" And this is the task He gave me, that very day... the phone call came and THIS is the job He laid out for me.
What might it cost me? Well, this week it looks like it will cost me the peace I once celebrated as part of "who I was" as a homemaker, mother, wife, woman. It will cost me most of my spare time. It looks like it will cost some friendships that could not withstand the time restraints of my new life. It will cost me my freedom. It will cost me the belief that I am in charge of protecting my children from adversity. I stare fear in the face as I work hard to believe that He will cover my own children with His Grace for this situation. That they might be refined through this process to want to live for Him, that He is not wasting any moment, and that their childhood is being shaped for service and devotion to Him alone. And isn't that what my hope was for them?
I came crashing down this week. Thoughts swirled around us, thoughts of giving in and letting go... my son overheard me say to my husband out of desperation this week, "I can't do this job! It's too much for me!" and his little voice interrupted me - "But Momma! God called you to do this job!". ...That's my sweet boy, ministering to his Momma.
...and that sweet son of mine is not wrong. He called me. Long ago, He placed this need in my life to help these kids that need a home as they find themselves caught up in a drama they never scripted. It's my calling. And I am married to a man that is wholly committed and tied to this life work as well. God brought us together to do this. And I will not allow myself to believe that our own children will come to harm through this process. I believe that God is refining them as well, and I choose to be grateful that He has started early in their lives. How will we ever learn to run to Him if we are not sometimes running from something else? I see them stand so sturdy on the Rock I know. These small hearts already sold out for Jesus. Yes Lord - shine your Glory!
But for me, and for my home, what is the answer... how in the world can this situation possibly bring Him Glory? Through an obedient heart. I will obey. I will follow. I want to see Jesus. I want to know more. I want to see His Glory shine all over this home, all over my life.
I was, you are, we all were created to bring Him Glory! I want to shine for Him through my life. I want people to see Him when they see me.
Yesterday I was driving along and out of the evergreen trees shone a tree bursting with His splendor. I wanted to break out in applause. It was the most brilliant yellow tree I have ever seen. The sun was shining down on the leaves and it was as if this tree was burning... it was so from Him to me. He whispered to my soul: ''Look at my Glory. Look what I can do!'' And at the same time on the radio came the song I have never cherished (not my style) but so new for me that day, and one I will never forget to delight in from now on... "Lift up your face! Lift up your face! Salvation is coming!". I felt hope. He was right there singing to me in that car full of kids as I passed His beautiful display of change, and showed me His brilliance!
Then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm without fear... (Job 11:15) And so the answer to that question is simple, and it is beautiful. It's my obedience that brings Him Glory. And that... is enough for me.
